Canada Seeks to Surpass U.S. in Crime, Drugs, Obesity

OTTAWA—Tired of always playing second fiddle to its bigger southern neighbor, the government of Canada has laid out a set of 10 areas in which it wants to overtake the United States within five years:

cheer1. Violent crime
2. Illegal drug use
3. Prescription drug abuse
4. Teenage pregnancies
5. Obesity
6. Preventable diseases
7. Obsolete infrastructure
8. Declining academic performance
9. Short-term corporate thinking
10. Religious fundamentalism

“We’re not just about hockey and maple syrup,” says Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. “We can be everything the United States is and more. And that’s what I promise to dedicate the remaining years of my term to.” Harper was elected in 2006 and again in 2011.

Snooze, eh?

Snooze, eh?

At almost 4 million square miles, Canada is the second largest country in the world by geography, but much of its land is iced over and of limited use except in making snow cones, of which the country is the largest supplier in the world. It also has the world’s largest collection on Inuit http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XLTB2EA/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00XLTB2EA&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=YPLXEP4ZX3DLP62Astone markers, known as inuksuks, but no one cares, because they’re not anything to brag about.

The country also has a large number of rock bands that people love to hate, including the most hated band of all time, Rush, and its already forgotten cousin, Nickelback. Corey Hart also comes in for quite a bit of ribbing.

But in ways that set the United States apart—its crazy gun crime, declining academic achievement, rising religious fanaticism, and, thanks to its food manufacturers, its addiction to sugar, fat, and salt—Canada has always been a laggard.

No more second fiddle

No more second fiddle

“We know we have work to do, and that’s why the release of my 10 goals will be the defining act of my administration,” says Harper. “By always having the goals before us, we can ask ourselves each day whether we’re getting closer to the United States. Am I still too wedded to reason and rationality? Then I need to work on my fundamentalism. And I eating foods that are too healthy? Then I need to buy more American food products. Are my children learning too much math and science? Then I need to put them in front of the TV more.

“The bottom line is, we know what the bottom line is, so we always have something to work toward, which is why I’m heading to the House of Commons right now to see if there’s a social wedge issue like gun control, abortion, or same-sex marriage that we can have gridlock over. This isn’t just about Canadian citizens stepping up; it’s about lawmakers stepping up, too.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (modified): ep and ps (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Walking_female_with_stroller_and_dogs.JPG

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