Preacher Lacking Certification Can’t Speak For God

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Doesn’t really know God

A man preaching God’s Word last night on a street corner in Los Angeles isn’t a true preacher, a group of religious leaders has charged, because the preacher has not been certified.

“Only preachers who’ve been certified, for obvious reasons, have the right to preach God’s Word,” says a statement by the International Association of Religious Preachers, based in Houston. “Absent certification, anyone can pose as a preacher and claim to represent the Word of God. For that reason, it’s important that persons impersonating professional, certified preachers be enjoined from engaging in acts http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/156170640X/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=156170640X&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=JBGW4C75XAJOUJHTof uncertified religious preaching.”

The accused preacher, Lemont Davis, was apprehended by Los Angeles police at 5:30 p.m. on the corner of Wilshire Blvd. and Beverly Blvd. According to the charge filed with the Los Angeles Municipal Court, Davis was claiming to “spread God’s Mercy,” with the aim of spurring a miracle on behalf of a homeless woman, Roberta Jackson, whose health is in decline.

In its claim, the group says it damages representatives of all religious orders when someone claims to be “directly” carrying God’s Word. “Clearly, only professionals who have been specially cleared to do so can genuinely carry the Word of God.”

Religions have different “clearing processes,” but they all share a requirement that only those with the right certification are “qualified to talk authoritatively in His name.”

In making its case, the group pointed to a 2011 incident in which the Rev. Jerry Falwell said the 2011 terrorist attacks on the U.S. constituted divine retribution for the country’s tolerance of gays and lesbians. “As you can see, this claim would have no credibility had it been made by a non-certified preacher,” the group says. “But in this case the preacher was certified.”

The group points to several instances in which preachers are accused of wrongdoing, but because they’re certified, the public is protected from the “absurd pronouncements” of uncertified preachers. “You can imagine the damage done if a non-certified preacher was to be accused of, say, linking God’s wrath to hurricane damage or accusing feminists of being witches,” the group says.

Davis has vowed to fight the charge. “I might not be certified, but I know I got the best defense lawyer in town. His name is God, and he ain’t happy that his spokesperson is being treated in this way by a bunch of so-called preachers who think they got a monopoly on God certification. Well, I got news for people: I don’t need no stinkin’ certification.”

God didn’t return a call asking which side is right.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image

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