A tribe of nomadic goat herders from a remote desert region say their jealous, spiteful, and misogynist God is the one true God for all the universe and for all time even though He might seem an odd fit for today’s world.
“I know it is hard for you in the technologically advanced West to believe that you should be ruled by our God, who had nothing to say to anyone in the world until He chose to speak to our ancestors 2,000 years ago. But that is the fact of the matter,” says Lazarus Ben-ammi, leader of a tribe of desert goat herders who claim a direct line with God. The tribe is in New York City on the first stop of a world tour in which they explain why theirs is the one true God of all the universe.
“Our god is a strong Father who watches over His tribe with a stern but loving eye,” says Ben-ammi. “He has shared nothing with us about what makes the world work and has revealed no secrets about how to make things of use in the world. Indeed, it is only when we do not think about Him that we create anything that makes our lives better. But He has said that He loves us, and as long as we love Him back and make sacrifices for Him, including giving up the things we most love on this earth, He will show His love to us. But if we do not believe in Him, or worship Him, or make sacrifices for Him, then He will not show His love in return. And in fact He has instructed us, as His agents here on earth, to use the most unrestrained violence to punish anyone who refuses to change their beliefs and love Him.”
In his appearance at TBS Prime Time News studios in Manhattan, Ben-ammi says his God rewards people who believe in Him with a never-ending life of unchanging purity and punishes people who don’t believe in Him with a never-ending life of unchanging misery. “So, clearly, you must make yourself believe in Him, so you do not live in eternal misery. That is why I and my brothers come before you today, to tell you that you must believe in Him.”
Ben-ammi says it might seem strange that no one knew about this God before He made Himself known to a remote tribe of goat herders 2,000 years ago, but his God does not care if His ways make sense to us. “I know that China and other places in the world 2,000 years ago were far more populous and far more technologically advanced than our region, and China was in fact a very sophisticated place,” says Ben-ammi. “So, you might assume God would reveal Himself there. Or you might assume God would reveal to us information that is useful to our survival and happiness, maybe explain how we can invent things that can save lives. But God wants us to find these things out for ourselves, because, like a good Father, He considers it cheating to help one’s children learn anything in a supportive, helping environment. One must live with tension and in fear of punishment to achieve, although sometimes He will give us a miracle, which is nice.”
Ben-ammi also says half of the world’s population is subservient to the other half, with the female half being the subservient half and the male half being the master half. “Our God has told us that half the people He created should not be equal to the other half, and so it is the place of men to impose rules on women, and in fact women are the property of men,” he says. “I see that here in New York City, there are many women who serve as masters of people, including people who are men. But our God does not like this, because women are chattel, so although your women might be leading a good life here on earth, and might even be acting ‘good’ in the sense that they’re making people’s lives better, they are running afoul of our God’s view that the world is organized around nomadic tribes of goat herders in which men are the bosses.”
Ben-ammi also says his tribe’s God does not like the portion of the population he created that meets their needs for intimacy with people of the same sex. “Our tribal father created these freaks and He hates them, so they are sinners no matter what they do, even if they are good people,” he says. “I am not sure why our God created them even though He hates them, but there is clearly a reason for it and so, unless you force yourself to deny your nature and then also force yourself to believe in our God, you are doomed to a never-ending life of misery. Sorry.”
The tribe’s next stop on the tour is London, and then from there it will be heading to Paris and then to other parts of Europe and then Asia. Ben-ammi says he does not need to go to other parts of the United States because much of the country already is trying to do the tribe’s work by turning the United States into a violent, misogynist, and anti-science stronghold for the desert goat herder God. He also says he doesn’t need to go to the Middle East because it is already violent, misogynist, and anti-science. “Our work is done there,” he says. “It is godless Europe, where people are generally happy and productive, that we must now turn into a violent, misogynist, and anti-science place, so that our God is satisfied that no one is cheating.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (modified): bb and fn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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