Desert Goat Herders Say They Have the One, True God

A primetribe of nomadic goat herders from a remote desert region say their jealous, spiteful, and misogynist God is the one true God for all the universe and for all time even though He might seem an odd fit for today’s world.

“I know it is hard for you in the technologically advanced West to believe that you should be ruled by our God, who had nothing to say to anyone in the world until He chose to speak to our ancestors 2,000 years ago. But that is the fact of the matter,” says Lazarus Ben-ammi, leader of a tribe of desert goat herders who claim a direct line with God. The tribe is in New York City on the first stop of a world tour in which they explain why theirs is the one true God of all the universe.

Unique insight into rules

Unique insight into rules

“Our god is a strong Father who watches over His tribe with a stern but loving eye,” says Ben-ammi. “He has shared nothing with us about what makes the world work and has revealed no secrets about how to make things of use in the world. Indeed, it is only when we do not think about Him that we create anything that makes our lives better. But He has said that He loves us, and as long as we love Him back and make sacrifices for Him, including giving up the things we most love on this earth, He will show His love to us. But if we do not believe in Him, or worship Him, or make sacrifices for Him, then He will not show His love in return. And in fact He has instructed us, as His agents here on earth, to use the most unrestrained violence to punish anyone who refuses to change their beliefs and love Him.”

In his appearance at TBS Prime Time News studios in Manhattan, Ben-ammi says his God rewards people who believe in Him with a never-ending life of unchanging purity and punishes people who don’t believe in Him with a never-ending life of unchanging misery. “So, clearly, you must make yourself believe in Him, so you do not live in eternal misery. That is why I and my brothers come before you today, to tell you that you must believe in Him.”

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00005USBH/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00005USBH&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=QFTLSHDHXBZBSOUFAsked if you can be a good person if you don’t believe in this God who advocates destroying entire communities for the sin of not believing in Him, Ben-ammi says you cannot. “Sorry.”

Ben-ammi says it might seem strange that no one knew about this God before He made Himself known to a remote tribe of goat herders 2,000 years ago, but his God does not care if His ways make sense to us. “I know that China and other places in the world 2,000 years ago were far more populous and far more technologically advanced than our region, and China was in fact a very sophisticated place,” says Ben-ammi. “So, you might assume God would reveal Himself there. Or you might assume God would reveal to us information that is useful to our survival and happiness, maybe explain how we can invent things that can save lives. But God wants us to find these things out for ourselves, because, like a good Father, He considers it cheating to help one’s children learn anything in a supportive, helping environment. One must live with tension and in fear of punishment to achieve, although sometimes He will give us a miracle, which is nice.”

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00MZXQK5O/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00MZXQK5O&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=JZ4GCGK27FCN7LAOBen-ammi also says half of the world’s population is subservient to the other half, with the female half being the subservient half and the male half being the master half. “Our God has told us that half the people He created should not be equal to the other half, and so it is the place of men to impose rules on women, and in fact women are the property of men,” he says. “I see that here in New York City, there are many women who serve as masters of people, including people who are men. But our God does not like this, because women are chattel, so although your women might be leading a good life here on earth, and might even be acting ‘good’ in the sense that they’re making people’s lives better, they are running afoul of our God’s view that the world is organized around nomadic tribes of goat herders in which men are the bosses.”

Ben-ammi also says his tribe’s God does not like the portion of the population he created that meets their needs for intimacy with people of the same sex. “Our tribal father created these freaks and He hates them, so they are sinners no matter what they do, even if they are good people,” he says. “I am not sure why our God created them even though He hates them, but there is clearly a reason for it and so, unless you force yourself to deny your nature and then also force yourself to believe in our God, you are doomed to a never-ending life of misery. Sorry.”

The tribe’s next stop on the tour is London, and then from there it will be heading to Paris and then to other parts of Europe and then Asia. Ben-ammi says he does not need to go to other parts of the United States because much of the country already is trying to do the tribe’s work by turning the United States into a violent, misogynist, and anti-science stronghold for the desert goat herder God. He also says he doesn’t need to go to the Middle East because it is already violent, misogynist, and anti-science. “Our work is done there,” he says. “It is godless Europe, where people are generally happy and productive, that we must now turn into a violent, misogynist, and anti-science place, so that our God is satisfied that no one is cheating.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (modified): bb and fn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Gays Marry? Let Them Be Miserable, Too

inmyflippiefloppies/8711115493

Saying it shouldn’t just be straight couples who lead lives of bonded servitude and imprisonment, Dave Turner of Indianapolis has come out in support of the right of gays to marry. “Taking out the garbage, withholding sex for some petty reason—sure, if gays want to institutionalize their misery, let them go for it,” says Turner, 42, manager at an auto parts distribution center. Turner says he recognizes that gay couples already have good relationships or bad relationships, just as married straight couples do, but the difference is that married straight coupes have institutionalized their misery, while gay couples are still free, at least in the eyes of the community, or the law, to split whenever they want. “So, if they want to tie their hands in the same way my hands are tied to my wife, they should be free to do that,” he says. More.

Smiling Martian Face Proof of a Cover-up, NASA Critics Say

NASA NASA today released a stunning image of the famous “Martian face” rock formation in which the “mouth” appears to be turned upward, as if smiling. The image was taken about 12 hours after a previous image of the mouth-like crevice is shown expressing no particular emotion in a way that’s similar to thousands of previous pictures of the formation that have been taken. “It’s really a remarkable image sequence,” says Kristin Rogers, NASA chief of geological imaging. “We are starting with the assumption that the change in appearance is simply a change in the angle of light on the surface features. But we’re not prepared to say that with certainty, because it’s a shift we haven’t seen before.” More.

No Gays in Iran, U.N. Report Concludes

Last laugh?

After seven years of investigation, a United Nations team of researchers has concluded that Iran does not have homosexuals, as former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asserted at Columbia University in 2007. In his statement seven years ago, while he was speaking in New York City, Ahmadinejad told his audience of mostly students and faculty that “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it.” At the time, the comment elicited laughter and some boos among the 700 people in the audience. But according to the U.N. team that has just delivered its comprehensive report to U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, Iran in fact has no homosexuals. More.

Preacher Lacking Certification Can’t Speak for God

ssA man preaching God’s Word last night on a street corner in Los Angeles isn’t a true preacher, a group of religious leaders has charged, because the preacher has not been certified. “Only preachers who’ve been certified, for obvious reasons, have the right to preach God’s Word,” says a statement by the International Association of Religious Preachers, based in Houston. “Absent certification, anyone can pose as a preacher and claim to represent the Word of God. For that reason, it’s important that persons impersonating professional, certified preachers be enjoined from engaging in acts of uncertified religious preaching.” The accused preacher, Lemont Davis, was apprehended by Los Angeles police at 5:30 p.m. on the corner of Wilshire Blvd. and Beverly Blvd. According to the charge filed with the Los Angeles Municipal Court, Davis was claiming to “spread God’s Mercy,” with the aim of spurring a miracle on behalf of a homeless woman, Roberta Jackson, whose health is in decline. More.

ISBN Number From the Original Bible Discovered

greeneconnections/9416210247Special to The Guardian. In a find that stunned the world of religion, archaeologists digging in a remote region of the Sinai desert discovered what is believed to be the original Holy Bible from more than 2,000 years ago with its International Standard Book Publishing (ISBN) code still intact. “This is an almost unbelievable discovery,” says Alfred Pottersmith, lead curator of Middle East artifacts at the British Museum in London. “To think we could be holding in our hands the original bible from God’s disciples is humbling beyond words.” What gives archaeologists confidence the bible is the original Word of God, first edition, is the presence of the internationally recognized 9-digit numeric commercial book identifier code known as the ISBN code. More.

Christians Trademark ‘God,’ Other Key Religious Terms

god

God®

Jews, Muslims, and peoples of other faiths in the United States will have to scramble to findwaitingfortheword/5671687424 ways to talk about the omnipotent, omnipresent deity referred to as God®, because American Christians have successfully trademarked the term “God®” along with “Savior®” and “Holy Father®.” “It’s a great day for American Christians of all types,” says Edward Reynolds, head pastor of the Ecumenical Christian Church, U.S.A., based in Foxborough, Mass. “For more than 200 years, peoples of Abrahamic faiths in the United States have peacefully shared among themselves the use of the term “God®” and other important religious words, but today the terms have been provided a permanent home with American Christians, which, as we’ve been arguing for years, is the rightful place for them.” More.

Study: Religion Costs U.S. $465 Billion in Lost GDP

usda

If all the resources that go into supporting religion in the United States were channeled into productive enterprises, the domestic economy would expand by an estimated $465 billion a year, a study by the Federal Reserve finds. “Religion is a big part of the identity of many Americans, and certainly is embedded in our heritage as a country, but from a purely economic standpoint, it’s a disaster,” says Alfred Smith, a senior Fed economist. The study by Smith and a team of researchers is the most detailed yet of the economic toll religion takes on the U.S economy. It has sought to factor in virtually every way religion intersects with the economy, from lost tax revenue to states and localities, lost investment into goods and services that grow the economy, lost productivity by having people employed in religious institutions instead of companies and organizations that produce goods and services, and the cost of violence perpetrated in the name of religious belief. More.

Advertisements