Dude With Three Monitors is Most Mysterious Guy in Office

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Man of mystery

TORONTO—Not everyone at Orione Corp. knows what the guy with three monitors does, but there’s little doubt he’s a man of mystery. “I’ve got a five-year-old Dell computer and that’s it,” says Jeff Norton, one of the company’s purchasing associates. “No one walks by my cubicle and wonders what I do, but I can tell you people wonder what he does.”

Based on the kinds of programs he uses, the guy with three monitors appears to do something requiring complex multimedia functionality because he’s always working with a high-res graphic interface, motion graphics and video, and audio. To add to the mystery, he keeps the lights out around his workstation to reduce glare on his screens.

“It’s almost like a spaceship control module,” says one colleague, a hint of awe in his voice. “When I boot up my computer, all I get is Microsoft Office. It’s pretty lame.”

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In awe?

The guy’s cool rig hasn’t translated into much of a social life, though, at least as far as anyone can tell. He never seems to interact with others much and it’s doubtful he’s been on a date in years.

“That’s the big question around here,” says Guy Samuelson, who manages internal communications. “He’s got the cool technology thing going, but he has kind of an off-putting personality. I mean, if I were a woman, I wouldn’t want to to go within five feet of him. Does he ever change his shirt? Of course he does. But, really, he wears the same clothes a lot.”

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00005USBH/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00005USBH&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=QFTLSHDHXBZBSOUFAshleigh Brown, a public relations associates that Samuelson would like to ask out, wouldn’t go out with him. “Even if he were the last guy on earth I’m not sure I could bring myself to go out with him—but then, I’m not really as impressed by his three monitors. In fact, he could have five monitors and I still wouldn’t go out with him. ”

Meanwhile, behind-the-scenes jockeying has begun among the guys to get money into the budget for more multi-screen workstations. “I only need Microsoft Word, really,” says one guy who asked to remain anonymous. “But I think I can do my job better if I have more screens. And, hey, I take a shower every day.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): jr and vfs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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