Oklahoma Institutes ‘Guardianship’ Laws Protecting Men

Mary Fallin

Mary Fallin

Oklahoma Governor Mary Fallin implemented sweeping guardianship laws yesterday that prohibit men from doing many of the things they’ve been accustomed to doing, like marrying without their mother’s permission, leaving the house without a female escort, and signing contracts without a female co-signature.

“Men have been responsible for most of the disasters in the world throughout history, including wars, environmental destruction, and domestic violence,” says Fallin, who was elected Oklahoma’s first woman governor in 2011. “It’s time to stop the madness, so as of yesterday, thanks to the law passed by our state legislature, men can only marry with their mother’s permission and can leave the house only when accompanied by a woman, among other provisions that serve to protect men, women, and in fact our communities.”

Man's place

Man’s place

Fallin said she and a team of lawmakers from the state legislature consulted extensively with experts in guardianship laws and paid visits to Saudi Arabia and Yemen, two countries in which guardianship laws are in effect, although they apply to women rather than men.

“I liked what I saw in Yemen,” sys Fallin, “except they have it backwards: it should be the men who are restricted and not the women. But we’ve corrected that in Oklahoma and I think it’s going to be good.”

Under Oklahoma’s new law, women have the right to exercise polyandry, which permits them to have multiple husbands. “In some ways, men are only half a person, and maybe even not that, so polyandry is simply an acknowledgement that a woman can choose to marry several men in the hopes of getting the equivalent of one good man,” she says.

Already the law has thrown the state into turmoil, as taxicabs, with no men to drive them, sit idle, businesses open late or not at all as men wait for women to escort them to work, and arrests made as thousands of men are rounded up for being outside alone or signing contracts by themselves, among other violations.

Taking man for a walk

Taking man for a walk

“It’s chaos,” says Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt. “In every city and town, women law enforcement officers are scrambling. But our women officers for handling this remarkably well, which of course we expected, since women can be counted on to do things better than men, which is why we have this law.”

Pruitt, who spoke to reporters from his home because his wife is working as a law enforcement officer on a temporary basis and couldn’t accompany him out, says he likes working from home and doesn’t understand why women who face restrictions in other countries don’t just sit back and enjoy the easy living. “Hanging out in your bathrobe? What’s not to like?” he says.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002WZT4S/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B0002WZT4S&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=4VPHWVA4OXVYAAFNJennifer Stearns, a homemaker in Tulsa, says she had doubts about the law at first, but once she went outside and every man she passed was accompanied by a woman, she was won over. “I can’t tell you what a relief it is to walk down the street and not be intimidated by men walking past you or behind you,” she says. “Men should never be allowed to walk around by themselves, especially in packs. So, this part of the law I like.”

Patsy Walker, also a homemaker, says she’s thinking of taking on several husbands, because the one she has now is “kind of a dud. I mean, he has a job, which I like, but in other ways he’s just not doing much for me. But there are a couple of men I like who I think will really spice things up, so I am definitely thinking big. Plus, it would be great to have three or four incomes coming in instead of just one. Although getting them all to work in the morning wil be a trick, because I would have to accompany each one separately or hire someone to go with them. But that’s just a detail to be worked out. All in all, I’m liking this law a lot.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Images (some modified): jw and ch (Creative Commons and Public Domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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