Constitutionality of Guns Makes Gun Control Groups Unconstitutional, NRA Says

nraWASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association yesterday filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia seeking a cease-and-desist order against the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence on the grounds that the group’s activities are unconstitutional since gun ownership in the United States is protected by the U.S. Constitution.

“Given that the protection of gun ownership is explicit in the U.S. Constitution, any activities to stem gun ownership, and by extension, any groups whose mission is to stem gun ownership, is de facto unconstitutional in the United States,” the NRA says in its lawsuit. The gun-right’s group, based in Fairfax, Va., is seeking class action status of its lawsuit, which, if granted, will outlaw all organizations in the United States whose mission is the regulation of gun ownership.

“We are hopeful the court will rule in our favor and we expect the court to rule in our favor, because the law is clear: gun ownership in the United States is protected by the Constitution, so by extension any activity, and thus any group, that seeks to stem gun ownership is unconstitutional,” said NRA Executive Director Wayne LaPierre at a press conference his organization held at the National Press Club yesterday.

“There are no explicit constitutional protections for organizations that seek to stem gun ownership in our country,” LaPierre said. “The only protection these groups have come under freedom of speech and the freedoms to assemble and petition, but courts for more than 200 years have made clear that these rights are not absolute. They can and have been modified many times. Since there are no absolute rights for gun-restriction groups, the explicit right to gun ownership in the Second Amendment trumps them. So, to us, the outcome of the case is obvious.”

Warren LaPierre

Warren LaPierre

Surprisingly, gun-control advocates around the country have all but conceded the air-tight nature of the NRA’s legal approach to the case. “I hate to give the NRA credit, but they really have got us over a barrel,” said Bill Dickens, president of the Brady Campaign. “Of course, we’re going to fight this all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court if we have to, but I confess it looks like a very tough fight for us and I really expect the NRA to prevail. It’s not that I’m looking for another job just yet, but we are clearly on the long-shot side of the argument, at least as I analyze the case right now.”

“The logic is as near irrefutable as I’ve ever seen,” said Thelma Genslather of Background Checks Save Lives, a group that seeks the enactment of mandatory gun-purchase background checks into federal law. “If gun ownership is enshrined in the Constitution, as we know it is, and if we’re trying to curb that right, then by logic what we are doing is unconstitutional, so I think we’re toast. I hope not. But I think we are.”

“Although the court hasn’t ruled yet, and although we can expect anti-constitutional gun-restriction groups to appeal, I think the lawsuit we filed today sends a message to liberty-loving freedom defenders everywhere that any attempt to restrict guns spells your doom,” said LaPierre. “This will be a victory for freedom and liberty once the court issues what is clearly an obvious ruling. And that’s good news for the American people, who are frankly tired of these unconstitutional groups trying to take away our freedom and liberty.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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Heard There Was a Mass Shooting in Kansas and Blah, Blah, Blah

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News reports are saying something about another mass shooting somewhere, Kansas, I think, and people were killed and the shooter had some issues and he was at a factory or maybe he was driving a cab or was at a community college or whatever and blah, blah, blah. A report says Iowa lawmakers passed legislation to let kids carry guns in public and that’s good because kids are known for taking reasoned approaches to conflict and it will be good they will be armed in case the security of our free state is at risk and hopefully the NRA will write similar legislation for other states to pass and blah, blah, blah. More.

NRA Protests U.S. Ban on Privately Owned Military Assault Vehicles

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WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association today staged a protest outside the U.S. Department of Transportation here against that agency’s ban on privately owned military assult-styled vehicles on federally funded highways. “It looks like Barack Hussein Obama wants to make sure only the government has the right to bear arms when those arms are attached to motorized vehicles,” NRA President Wayne LaPierre said at the protest, which involved blocking Constitution Ave. with dozens of privately owned vehicles adapted to accommodate military-styled automatic weapons, including several with grenade launchers. “Well, the U.S. Constitution makes clear that guns don’t have to be carried on one’s person for us to enjoy the freedom to have them. Just because they’re mounted on vehicles doesn’t make us any less free to carry our guns.” More.

Drunks Celebrate Guns-in-Bars Law By Shooting One Another

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ATLANTA—Several drunks at McCabe’s in the Grant Park district here shot each other yesterday after one of the men bought a round of drinks to celebrate the new state law allowing guns in bars. “It’s unfortunate three otherwise good, healthy Americans are dead, but the more important thing is that we have a law in this state that preserves Americans’ liberty to kill themselves and others when they’re drunk,” says Jim Fleming, an electrician in Cabbagetown who was at the bar at the time of the shooting. “No one likes to see people killed, but neither do people like to see government try to take away our right to have guns where people gather to become intoxicated,” says Elliot Harper, a long-time patron of McCabe’s. “The U.S. Declaration of Independence makes clear that the right to own guns hinges on our need for a well-regulated militia, and you clearly can’t have a well-regulated militia unless people can shoot one another in bars when they’re drunk.” More.

NAR Pushes ‘Not Liking Your Looks’ Laws

Warren LaPierre

WASHINGTON—Buoyed by the success of its effort to get “Stand Your Ground” laws passed in states throughout the country, the National Rifle Association today launched a nationwide campaign to get “Not Liking Your Looks” laws passed. “Every day people are terrorized by people who look at them in ways that are menacing or intimidating,” NRA CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference here. “Americans shouldn’t have to stand for that, not when we have a Constitutional right to own and use guns, because every confrontation starts with a look. Under our reasonable and sensible ‘Not LIking Your Looks” laws, law-abiding Americans can head off dangerous confrontations by firing the first shot and stopping a confrontation before it starts.” More.

Meaning of ‘Well Regulated’ Confounds Gun-Rights Advocates

dbkFAIRFAX, Va.—A gathering of top scholars among gun rights advocates meeting at the headquarters of the National Rifle Association yesterday remained divided and perplexed by the words “well regulated” in the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s a term that has always been a mystery to gun rights advocates, but I think we made considerable progress in nailing down what the Founding Fathers of the United States meant by it,” says Leonard Clounts, a constitutional scholar at Sam Houston University in Texas and chair of an NRA task force that’s been asked to forge a policy statement on the meaning of the term. The text of the Second Amendment, as adopted and made part of the Constitution in 1791, reads as follows: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” More.

Families Thank NRA For Creating ‘Communities of Fear’

fear Thousands of families in cities across the United States today thanked the National Rifle Association for instilling a culture of fear throughout America with its demonization of anyone who talks about regulations to keep automatic weapons out of the hands of criminals and people with a history of mental illness. “It’s with our deepest gratitude that we, families of America, extend our thanks to the National Rifle Association for everything it has done to create ‘communities of fear’ across our great country,” the families said in a statement released today. “Thanks to its resolute stand that families like ours should take our security in our own hands, whether by hiring private security guards or keeping guns under our pillow at night, we live in a growing state of fear and distrust. And that’s something the NRA deserves credit for.” More.

Flow of Guns to Mexico Leaves Too Few For U.S. Carnage

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Gun enthusiasts say the millions of guns that flow across the border illegally for use by drug cartels in their war against the Mexican government must stop if mass killers in the U.S. are to reach the success level they’re capable of. “Right now, can an unstable young man in the United States be all that he can be when he’s ready to start spraying random people with bullets? I don’t think so,” says Grit Thorniker, president of the American Alliance for Personal Weapons Rights. “Our gun manufacturers are already operating at maximum capacity. Once more deranged loners come out of the woodwork, will we be able to meet their needs?” More.

Policeman: I Know All the Tricks For Evading the Law

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Officer Jeff Barnes of the Emes, Iowa, police force has big plans for when he retires in three years: start his own consulting business for criminals who are prepared to pay good money for ideas on how not to get caught. “After 25 years in police work, I have an expertise that will command a pretty penny for those who are worried about committing a crime that they’re not sure they can get away with,” says Barnes, a lieutenant. Prior to coming to Emes in 2008, he was with the Columbus, Ohio, police force for 19 years. Barnes said he was something of a petty criminal himself before he enrolled in the Columbus police academy and became an officer one year later. “I stole a car once,” he says, “but mostly it was small stuff: candy, cigarettes, and beer from 7-Eleven, a wallet from Sears—you know, nothing to write home about, although I’m proud to say I went about a four-year stretch without paying a cent for beer.” More.

Talk Show Host Not Torn Between Money and Doing the Right Thing

usnavy/5445949984Ralph Hudson says he knows he’s not doing the country any favors by exploiting wedge issues between people but the money he earns in exchange for making the country a more violent and less tolerant place is too good to refuse. “In a perfect world would I want to make our country a crappy place to live? Probably not,” says the radio veteran, whose conservative talk show is syndicated nationwide and attracts a daily audience of some 15 million listeners. “But my first responsibility is to myself, because even though I’m probably going to die in another 2o years or so, and won’t be around to enjoy it, I want to amass as much wealth as I can, and doing what I’m doing enables me to do that.” More.

Gun Activist Shoots Off Nose

elvertbarnesWASHINGTON, D.C.–A gun rights activist who thinks anyone who favors gun control of any type is a “socialist elitist who hates America” accidentally shot off his nose yesterday while at a rally here celebrating the second part of the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. “Nobe ub dis chages my biew dat weal Americans strap guns around der legs,” says John (“J.D.”) Ray, the activist, from his room at George Washington University Hospital in Washington. Doctors treating the activist say they are attempting to reconstruct his nose using tissue from other parts of his body because the accidental point-blank shot left nothing of Ray’s original nose to work with. More.

Ted Cruz, Scary American, Will Never Be President

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Maladjusted Men Don’t Kill People; Maladjusted Men With Guns Kill People

lonerThanks to the push to gut gun laws and make it harder to prosecute shooters, maladjusted men who would otherwise be content to stay in their rooms playing violent video games increasingly have the chance to pack heat and show people they don’t like who’s in charge. “I don’t have the guts to actually talk to people, but I don’t need to even try anymore because I can just get me a gun or two and deal with my problems that way,” says Jeremy Flynn, 24, a maladjusted man who nurses a lot of grudges against the world. “I grew up playing video games in which the winners maim or kill more people than others maim or kill, and that was fine for my youth. Now that I’m an adult, I want to take my hatred to the next level. I’m just glad the National Rifle Association has my back, because now I can get all the guns I want and really do my carnage right.” More.

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