Heavy Metal Frontman Really Scared of Satan


Just Kidding. Ha-ha

Jason Creel of Deth Knell says he had an epiphany three years ago in a Little Rock motel and since then his relationship with Satan, the embodiment of all evil in the world, has never been the same.

“Let me put it this way,” he said while sitting down for a coffee outside the Orbit Room in Toronto, where his band will be shaking the rafters tonight. “Whereas before Satan was just kind of an idea to me, an abstraction, maybe a bit of a marketing ploy, now he’s quite real and, frankly, gunning for me. I’m in His sights.”


I’ll save you

Creel says his awakening to the torments of Hell that await him after this life came after he and some fans trashed his motel room. Police were called, but luckily one of the two officers that showed up was familiar with the band and the other was a big Metallica fan, although he hadn’t heard of Creel’s band. But, in any case, they told the motel manager to work it out among themselves. “So we agreed to pay the cost of fixing the place back up, and it was steep, like, $4.000, or something,” said Creel. “That night I took a long, hard look at myself in the mirror and that’s when I saw Him.”

That “Him,” says Creel, was Satan. “He was staring right at me. I mean, it was effing blood curdling. I’ve been singing about this Guy for years but when I finally met Him face to face, it was like, ‘I don’t really know you, do I?'”

Creel says Satan doesn’t look at all like what you think of, if you think of Him as a red guy with a little beard and horns. Instead, he looks a lot like Creel himself. “Looked just like me,” said Creel. “Not that I’m the Satan or anything like that, but that I think He must reflect you back or channel your image or something. And that’s what makes it so scary.”

So, has that night three years ago changed what Deth Knell sings about? “Oh, no, our fans would never tolerate that,” said Creel. “I mean, we are the Channelers of Satan. For us to start singing about, I don’t know, Bambi or something, would just not fly. So, we are still Satan’s Messengers, as we’ve always been.”

Even so, Creel says he has started to do some good deeds on the side—just small things—when the band’s not playing. “This isn’t to try to get into God’s good graces or anything like that,” Creel said. “I don’t pretend that God is suddenly going to say, ‘Oh, Jason, I see you’re really a good person, so I’ll protect you from that evil Satan.’ But I figure it can’t hurt, you know? I mean, it’s not like I’m going to make Satan mad and He’s going to say, ‘Buttering up Mr. Good, eh? Well, two infinities of Hell for you!’ What’s the difference if it’s one infinity or two infinities? It’s never-ending either way. So, to me, I have something to gain and nothing to lose.”

Creel says he gave a free ticket to tonight’s Deth Knell show to a guy from Chicago he met yesterday at a bar in downtown Toronto who had lost both his legs in Afghanistan. “He took an IED from the Taliban,” said Creel. “How crappy is that? So I said, “Dude, come to our show tonight. He probably won’t make it, though. Not that much fun if you’re in a wheelchair. But it’s a little thing that I could do to help this guy who has suffered so much.

“Again,” Creel continued, “It’s not like I expect God to change his mind about me. “But if, over time, I can cut my stay in the Fires of Hell from infinity to, say, one million years, that’s something. For sure, a million years sounds like a lot, but it’s finite, and that’s huge. That’s very different than never-ending.”

Finishing up his coffee, Creel becomes introspective. “You know, for me, Satan has always been about black T-shirts and big crosses. It’s never been about, like, descending into the Nine Rings of the Underworld. But when you play with fire you risk getting burned, and now I’ve got soot all over my face and an appointment I’d rather not keep. The good thing is, I’ve got some time left here on this good earth, and I intend to improve myself as a person. Maybe, just maybe, God is watching.”

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: msa and cv (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images

More stories:

Kid Rock (R-Famous) Plans U.S. Senate Run with Slogan ‘You Can Kiss My A**’

Kid Rock, the Grammy-winning hip-hop, rock, and country artist, has announced his intention to run for a seat in the United States Senate for the state of Michigan as a famous Republican. “We need more famous people in office,” Rock said at a press announcement today. “We need people who know how to get their name out there, steal the limelight, and command the press attention, because these are the people who are ready to dig into the details of policy, understand the nuances, try to see things from all sides, and find a solution that gets the country moving forward for all Americans and not just some Americans. That’s something famous people can do.” Rock, whose given name is Robert James Ritchie, said people with experience governing aren’t going to know what it’s like to have a five-month marriage to a former Playboy playmate, nor are they going to know what it’s like to be caught on video with another famous person getting a head job from some women. More.

Thrash Metal Guitarist a Little Concerned About Tattoo


Acknowledging some of his tattoos are a bit rough and edgy, Greg Stent of Hell’s Vapors says he’s increasingly concerned he’ll have trouble getting a job once his music career winds down and he’s ready to get on with the work-a-day world. “I always thought I would play my music and nothing else, but that never stopped me from getting my B.A. in accounting in case things fell through in the music scene,” says Stent, who launched Hell’s Vapors with his Canton, Ohio, neighborhood buddy Alex Greel six years ago. Today, their band has a strong following in much of northwest Ohio, Iowa, and has even played shows in Michigan and Wisconsin. The band last year self-produced a CD, When Death Awaits You, which it makes available at its shows. More.

Nickelback, Other Bands Not On Tour Refuse to Play North Carolina


The backlash to North Carolina’s anti-LGBT religious freedom law continues as Nickelback, One Direction, Insane Clown Posse, and several other bands not on tour say they refuse tp play in the state until it repeals its controversial law. “If we were on tour right now, we would not play in the state in solidarity with fellow bands that are touring and taking a financial hit by not playing in the state,” sys Chad Kroeger, lead singer and guitarist with Nickelback, which last put out an album in 2014. Insane Clown Posse, a rap duo that isn’t on tour, has also announced a boycott of the state. “No way are we playing in North Carolina,” says Joseph Bruce, also known as Violent J. More.

New Generation of Critics Learns to Hate Rush

gl1Cowed by the recent success and outpouring of affection for the Canadian rock trio Rush, music critics have largely refrained from laying a glove on the band, which first hit the music scene in 1974 and today is enjoying something of a renaissance as it basks in the success of its most recent album Clockwork Angels. But several music critics, including most prominently Adam Carter of Rolling Stone, are bucking the trend and slamming the band for its pretentious lyrics, over-wrought drumming, and, most of all, the screeching vocals of bass player and lead singer Geddy Lee. “I know it’s fashionable for one to pay one’s respects to ‘legendary’ progressive rockers Rush, but I just can’t hop onto this bandwagon,” Carter says in his blog, Rock in/Site. “No one can tell me Geddy Lee has somehow learned how to sing. In fact, I would venture to say More.

Fans Lead Effort to Get Rush Removed From Rock & Roll Hall of Fame

Saying their favorite band has become too commercial since it was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame last April, fans of Canadian power trio Rush say it’s time to make a push for their removal. “We were instrumental in getting the band inducted into the Hall of Fame in the first place, thanks to our years of persistence, but now we see we made a mistake,” says Randy Powers, a fan from Pittsburgh who has launched a petition drive calling for Rush’s removal from the Cleveland institution. “Bobbleheads, T-shirts, refrigerators—it’s just all too much. We don’t mind the band trying to make a buck. It’s hard to do that now with people so easily downloading or streaming music on the Internet. But enough is enough.” Rush was eligible for induction into the Hall of Fame in 1999 but despite their global popularity among a core group of fans that have bought tens of millions of albums and CDs since the band released its debut album in 1974, the Rock Hall induction committee steadfastly refused to take them seriously. More.

Journey Rated ‘Coolest Band of 2015’

You might have thought nothing but a trip down memory lane awaits legendary pop-rock band Journey, whose radio staples like “Lights” and “Wheel in the Sky” provided the soundtrack to today’s forty- and fifty-somethings’ early adult years. But if you thought that you would be wrong. Because WBIG in Cleveland has just released the results of its listener poll and found that Journey is the “It” band for 2015, proving that time isn’t a factor for bands that are forever cool. “It was a ‘rock-us’ competition, but our listeners left little doubt who rocks their world,” says WBIG Program Director Rex Bartlett. “Our winner got quite a bit of heat from ABBA, Styx, and Kansas, but when the dust settled, it was Journey all the way!” The band released its 14th studio album, in 2011, which rocketed to 13th on the Billboard charts. More.

Kansas Changes Name to Colorado, Announces New Album

coloThe pot’s legal in Colorado but they’re smoking crack in Kansas. Embarrassed by its state’s awkward turn to the right in recent years, beloved 1970s rock band Kansas changed its name to Colorado and announced the release of its newest studio album, Thematterwithkansas, and the opening of its 2015 tour. “As much as we love our state and have always been proud to bear its name,” the band said in a statement, “we had to ask ourselves, ‘What’s the matter with Kansas?’ and our answer was, ‘Who the hell knows?!” So we moved to Colorado and now we’re a bit to the left of our old state, geographically and politically, but we think our fans will understand.” In its mid-1970s heyday, Kansas was on the top of the charts with its mix of progressive rock and virtuosic violin playing. More.

Robert Plant Regrets Not Going into Accounting Like His Dad Wanted

commons.wikimedia.org Robert Plant, the golden haired and golden voiced singer for the legendary hard rock band Led Zeppelin, says in an interview on National Public Radio’s “Morning Edition” that he should have listened to his dad and become an accountant rather than leave home when he was 16 to live the rock-and-roll lifestyle. “If I were to live my life again, would I have that nasty break with my family and sing for various bands before finally joining Pagey and the others to form Led Zeppelin? I think on balance what I did was a mistake and, in retrospect, I should have listened to my dad.” More.

James Bond Retires Suit For Business Casual


Elegant British super spy and womanizer James Bond is ditching his iconic Saville Row suits and other formal wear to sport a more casual look, an MI6 spokesperson says. “Agent 007 isn’t immune to the times,” the spokesperson says. “He understands business is conducted in an increasingly casual atmosphere and that spy craft is similarly changing. I’m not saying Bond will be stepping out of his Aston Martin in anything less than a nice shirt and maybe some khakis, but when he’s just puttering around London, Paris, or New York, you might just see him in a T-shirt and jeans. I’m not saying it will happen, but you might see that. He’s a secret agent, after all.” More.