Welfare Recipient Says He just Doesn’t Like Working

chillin2Zack Morton doesn’t pretend he’s collecting his federal unemployment compensation, rental subsidy, and food stamps as a stopgap measure while he looks for work. No, he just doesn’t like to work and as long as the free money holds out, he has no intention of getting a job. “I hate working,” he says. “Getting up in the morning, brushing your teeth, going out in the cold, or the heat, and working all day in an office or outside or in a restaurant or something—I hate it.”

Morton says he worked for a while when he was in high school, and in fact dropped out of school so he could work full time. But he didn’t like the work—it was as a clerk in a department store—and he ended up getting fired. “I think I came in late or something or didn’t come in at all. I just can’t remember,” he says.

After that, Morton held a few jobs, although they tended to end pretty quickly, in part because he didn’t work very hard and often he just wouldn’t show up. “I mean, it’s work. Anytime you can avoid going in, it’s a good thing.”

For this reason, Morton is a big fan of any government program that gives him money or other type of assistance without him having to do anything. “I hate those programs where they give you assistance but you have to, like, do something in return for it,” he says. “Like this housing asistance I got once. I got help with my monthly rent, but I had to go to this program or something once a week to get training and stuff like that. I think they called it ‘Self-Sufficiency.’ In any case, if you didn’t go to the program, they would take away your assistance. So. that didn’t last long for me. The rental assistance I have now is much better, because unless I got caught with drugs or something, it’s mine.”

welfareMorton says he loves that Obamacare provides socialized medicine for him, like in a communist country, so he is a big supporter of President Obama. “He’s totally my hero,” he says, “giving us free medical care, like in Russia or China or that other one, Cuba, I think. I can just go into a doctor’s office and say, ‘Fix me up and send the bill to the government.’ It’s great.”

Morton’s big goal now is to get on disability, because “that’s a really sweet situation,” he says. “You just show that you’re hurt or whacked-out or something and then you’ve got some significant money coming in. That’s, like, the holy grail for me, so I’m really looking into that.”

In fact, Morton has not started looking into disability assistance yet, but he says he plans to soon, “because it’s definitely something I want a piece of.”

He says his goal is to find out the application requirements soon, “but I hear it’s kind of hard. I think you have to get a doctor’s letter or something, and even then they might say no. But if I do get it, I’m totally set-up for the long-term. I definitely wish it wasn’t so much work to actually get, but I do plan to do it. It’s really high on my list of things to do. I know it’s a lot of work, and that’s a bummer. In fact, just the thought of, like, filling out these forms and getting a doctor to write a letter or something . . . I mean, it’s not something I like spending my time doing. Who would? In fact, it’s kind of like work itself, because you’re doing stuff you wouldn’t automatically do on your own, like watch TV or something. People automatically watch TV because it’s fun. You just watch TV and you don’t have to do anything. But filling out the form is a lot like work. And that’s not something I like to do. But I’m hoping to get this done soon. And then I have it made in the shade—and all without working.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: pp (modified) (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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