Uproar at CVS as Smokers Demand Right to Kill Themselves

106513197@N08/10461931115Smokers were in an uproar as CVS Caremark, the second largest drugstore chain in the United States, announced plans to stop carrying cigarettes and other tobacco products at all of its 7,600 locations by October 1.

“We understand that CVS is a private company and it’s within its control to sell or not sell cigarettes,” John Beenes, president of Americans for Smokers Rights, says. “But smokers also have a right to kill themselves and CVS, in its decision to stop selling cigarettes, is infringing on that right. We will certainly fight this all the way up to the U.S. Supreme Court if we have to.”

CVS, based in Woonsocket, R.I., announced in February that its decision is intended in part to get other drugstores to stop selling cigarettes. “I think it will put pressure on other retailers who want to be in healthcare,” said CVS Caremark Chief Medical Officer Dr. Troyen Brennan.

boroda/793258148But Sandra Klein, a 30-year smoker who doesn’t have easy access to cigarette purchases, says CVS is encroaching on her right to exacerbate her emphysema, which she deveoped about eight years ago. “If I want to have emphasema, that’s my business,” said Klein in a statement, because she’s no longer able to talk. “CVS is the only place that’s convenient for me to get my emphasema-enabling product, because I can only walk about 100 yards before I must sit down. CVS is the only retail outlet within that 100-yard distance, so http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B005CC4GX8/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B005CC4GX8&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=L36FOZBTT3Z4P6MBfor it to stop selling cigarettes will mean tough choices for me. And that’s not right.”

Beenes said his organization has reached out to CVS for discussions on whether it would reconsider what he called an “ill-conceived, clearly problematic decision,” but the drugstore has not responded to his overtures. “They’re sticking their head in the sand,” he said of the drugstore. “They think if they don’t respond we’ll go away, but I can promise them that we will not go away. As long as I have a breath in my lungs, I will fight them until the Supreme Court rules on whether they can deny smokers their cigarettes in this unilateral way.”

Several members of Americans for Smokers Rights in Tucson, Ariz., had planned a boycott of all CVS stores in their city, but two of the intended protesters died of heart failure, so the protest has been delayed.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: hgn and rp (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Guy Blasting His Radio Stunned to Learn Other People Live in the World

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Driving_the_new_Mercedes_A-Class_2012_(7661454164).jpgTrent Sanders says he had no idea the world was filled with other people like him until someone pointed it out after he had been driving around town with music blasting out of his car. “It was like a light went off in my head,” says Sanders, 25. “I was just driving around like I always do and while I was sitting at a stop light this guy pulled up next to me, rolled down his window, and yelled, ‘Other people live in this world, asshole!  Not everyone wants to listen to your f**ing music!’ Then the light turned green and he peeled off. And I just sat there, stunned.” Sanders says he just automatically assumed he was the only person in the world, which is why he thought it was perfectly okay for him to blast his music while he drives around. “Did I know other people were driving around, too, some trying to listen to their own music? I confess, I did not.” More.

Policeman: I Know All the Tricks For Evading the Law

/photos/sylvar/

Officer Jeff Barnes of the Emes, Iowa, police force has big plans for when he retires in three years: start his own consulting business for criminals who are prepared to pay good money for ideas on how not to get caught. “After 25 years in police work, I have an expertise that will command a pretty penny for those who are worried about committing a crime that they’re not sure they can get away with,” says Barnes, a lieutenant. Prior to coming to Emes in 2008, he was with the Columbus, Ohio, police force for 19 years. Barnes said he was something of a petty criminal himself before he enrolled in the Columbus police academy and became an officer one year later. “I stole a car once,” he says, “but mostly it was small stuff: candy, cigarettes, and beer from 7-Eleven, a wallet from Sears—you know, nothing to write home about, although I’m proud to say I went about a four-year stretch without paying a cent for beer.” More.

DSM-6: 100% of Americans Exhibit Mental Disorders

dsm-6The long-brewing debate over the accuracy of the psychiatry profession’s bible, called the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of Mental Disorders, came to a head this week as the American Psychiatric Association released the sixth edition of the 900-page book, and realized that 100 percent of Americans are now classified as having a mental disorder. “We feared this was going to happen,” says Jim Dulaney, professor emeritus at Columbia University and chair of the American Psychiatric Association. “Every time we update the DSM, more Americans fall under one of its disorders. Now we’re at the point where all Americans fall under one of its disorders, so we either have to reevaluate how we define mental illness in this country or we’re all really sick.” More.

Brady, Patriots Accused of Using Over-inflated Footballs to Win Super Bowl

31437555@N00/13296092685

Fresh off its controversy for allegedly using under-inflated footballs to win its AFC championship game two weeks ago, the New England Patriots are again under an ethical spotlight for allegedly using over-inflated footballs to beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in last weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX matchup. “We have very clear visual evidence that the New England Patriots used footballs that were inflated far above the regulation level of 12.5 to 13.5 pounds per square inch (psi) in their game last Sunday, so we are officially investigating this potential violation of National Football League rules,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. Over-inflated balls are considered easier to see, a potential advantage for a team like the Patriots, which relies heavily on its passing game. More.

Physicists Association Leaked Defalte-gate to Spur Interest in Science

keithallison/3865495717

The widely reported “deflate-gate” scandal in which the New England Patriots allegedly used under-inflated footballs to gain an edge in their AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts last week was conceived and executed by scientists as a way to “make physics sexy” and “get the country talking about physics,” according to a memo that’s surfaced during the NFL’s investigation of the Patriots’ ball-handling practices. “We’re still looking into this, but if it’s true, it’s shocking news to say the least,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. “I want to caution that we are still in the middle of our investigation, which we promise will be thorough and fair. What we’re doing now is looking at the source of this memo, talking with people who are familiar with this memo, so that we can determine what the appropriate next steps will be.” More.

Constitutionality of Guns Makes Gun Control Groups Unconstitutional, NRA Says

nraWASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association yesterday filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia seeking a cease-and-desist order against the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence on the grounds that the group’s activities are unconstitutional since gun ownership in the United States is protected by the U.S. Constitution. “Given that the protection of gun ownership is explicit in the U.S. Constitution, any activities to stem gun ownership, and by extension, any groups whose mission is to stem gun ownership, is de facto unconstitutional in the United States,” the NRA says in its lawsuit. The gun-right’s group, based in Fairfax, Va., is seeking class action status of its lawsuit, which, if granted, will outlaw all organizations in the United States whose mission is the regulation of gun ownership. More.

4 Out of 5 Homeless Prefer SmartCarry™ Carts For Their Stuff

prs1

SmartCarry™ Luggage Carts are the go-to brand of carts for most homeless people, a survey released today by Brand Trust, a business-to-business trade magazine. The magazine asked 250 homeless people in New York City, Los Angeles, Chicago, and Toronto about their brand preferences when it came to luggage, grocery, or other types of carts for carrying their possessions and just under 200 said SmartCarry™ is their cart of choice. “They last a real long time,” says Arnold Sween, a homeless person in New York City. “I’ve had mine for 10 years and it still rolls good. Holds a lot, too.” More.

China Releases 5-Year Plan For World Domination

chinaBEIJING—China this week released its plan to dominate the world by 2020 and also host a summit on the overfishing of red herring in the South Sea. “This is China’s century and we are determined to assert our interests globally in accordance with our stature as the one true superpower,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said in a news conference here yesterday. China is the world’s largest country by population, with 1.36 million people, not counting ethnic Uighurs, and the world’s second largest economy, with a gross domestic product of $16.1 trillion. That is about $1 trillion less than the United States, although that gap is expected to close within the next 18 months because of America’s declining productivity and “black president,” the plan says. More.

Dog: ‘Hey, This Leash is My Servitude!’

 flickr.com/photos/blondinrikard/ For the longest time I enjoyed going on walks with my master. He would give me a call, “Buster!” and when I came rollicking up, excited about what awaited us outside the walls of our house and outside the confines of our yard, he would attach my leash and off we would go. Sometimes we would go right, which I call the “Annie Poodle Route,” because Annie the Poodle lives down that way, and I always leave my calling card by the corner of her fence (along with a million other dogs!). And sometimes we would go left, which I call the “Fred the Mean Dog Route,” because Fred the Mean Dog lives down there, and you can be sure I don’t leave my calling card by his house! More.

NSA Phone Data Sales Key in Latest Budget Fix

alexanderHouse budget negotiators averted yet another showdown by meeting much of the federal government’s projected fiscal year 2015 spending gap with proceeds from the sale of phone data on U.S. citizens that the National Security Agency has been collecting since 2001 under the USA PATRIOT ACT. “We know NSA’s data collection has been controversial, but at least we were able to solve a very real problem with it, and that’s to get our fiscal house in order without resorting to showdown tactics and last-minute deals,” says House Budget Committee Chair Paul Ryan (R-Wis.). More.

It’s Official: Canada Most Boring Country in the Anglosphere

Researchers at Oxford University have bestowed upon Canada the dubious distinction of being the most boring of the six countries that comprise what’s known as the Anglosphere: Australia, Canada, England, Ireland, New Zealand, and the United States. “We think it’s important that this matter be settled once and for all,” says lead researcher Nigel Clappe, lecturer in political science and demographics at Oxford University. “Up until this point, people have been identifying the most boring country based on nothing more than their own gut feeling. And that wasn’t helping anybody.” More.

U.N. Head Wants Leaders to Start Skipping

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ban_Ki-Moon_November_2014.jpgSaying it’s impossible to be mad when you skip, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has called for leaders around the world to take up skipping, the “hippity-hoppity” gait that comes so naturally to children. “If you remember the last time you skipped, you will no doubt remember feeling frisky and carefree,” Ban said in a statement released today. The U.N. last week passed a referendum declaring the week of Dec. 18-25 World Skipping Week, which the international organization hopes will inspire people everywhere to skip rather than fight. More.

Tanning Salon, Other Businesses Grab Redskins Name Now That Trademark Protection Gone

namestartswithj89/3805524323

Now that the U.S. Patent and Trade Office (USPTO) has stripped the Redskins football team of trademark protection because the term is considered a racial slur, scores of businesses have grabbed the famous name. “I know it’s a terrible word and I myself don’t harbor a racist bone in my body, but because I own a business that turns your skin orange, I knew I needed the Redskins name as soon as it became available,” says Graham Little, owner of Redskins Tanning Salon in Dallas. “Get your orange skin at Redskins. As you can see, the marketing potential is enormous, especially here in Dallas, where orange skin is the mark of a wealthy woman.” Redskins Radiation Partners is the new name of Culver Radiation Partners in Orlando, a switch managing partner Jeff Reed made after hearing the trademark news. “Who can remember ‘Culver’?” says Reed. “I sometimes have to look at my own company credit card to remember what the hell we’re called. More.

Caught With Pot, Governor Regrets Not Legalizing Marijuana

west-dakota

Saying he should have gone along with the state legislature last year and signed the bill decriminalizing personal possession of marijuana, West Dakota Governor Cody Stevens pardoned himself after he was arrested last night for possession of the illegal substance. “I realize it was a mistake that I didn’t sign the bill that both houses of our legislature passed,” Stevens said as he signed an official Governor’s pardon, which lets him go free and clear from his drug arrest. “I still believe pot is a gateway drug that ensnares our children and ruins families, but deep inside I also believe that some people can use it responsibly, and had I signed last year’s “Responsible Possession of Marijuana Act,” I wouldn’t have gotten arrested and set a bad example for our kids.” More.

Advertisements