Conservatives: Stop the War on Apple Pie

timpatterson/2134878884WASHINGTON—Disrespect shown to America’s favorite dessert from the heartland, apple pie, by liberal foodies is the next step in the Left’s war on everything America stands for, a coalition of conservative organizations said at a press conference here yesterday.

“We know apple pie isn’t fashionable in some quarters of America, and we know in some quarters of America there are fancier or trendier desserts for people of so-called sophisticated palates, but we humbly say that an attack on apple pie is an attack on the values that have made America the greatest nation on earth,” the coalition says in a statement.

The statement was signed by the heads of 24 organizations, including Focus on the Family, Club for Growth, Tea Party Express, and the Christian Coalition.

Giving rise to the groups’ ire is a decision by the American Nutrition Council to include apple pie on a list of foods Americans are advised to eat in moderation because of the amount of corn syrup used in traditional recipes. The Council’s recommendation, released last week, is part of its annual review of its dietary guidelines. In its update, the Council recommends limiting apple pie to no more than two servings a month.
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“Traditional apple pie uses 24 grams of corn syrup, which has been found to be a leading cause of coronary hardening and a major source of polyunsaturated fats. High amounts of polyunsaturated fats of the kind found in corn syrup is associated with coronary heart disease, diabetes, and other conditions leading to preventable degenerative diseases.”

“No doubt liberal foodies in San Francisco and Boston have less hardening of the arteries than real Americans, but we think the coastal elitists who think they know how people should live their lives have gone too far with this attempted socialist mandate from on high,” says Steve Bender, president of Social Conservatives of America. “To attack apple pie is to attack the work ethic, the American can-do spirit, the freedom and integrity of America itself.”

“I’m sure in France they look down their noses on good, hearty American apple pie,” says Dave Richards, president of the Heartland Alliance. “But just remember it was America that pulled France’s Hitler-appeasing berets out of the fire during World War II. We know apple pie is only simple, god-fearing food from the part of America that feeds the world with its good, strong wheat, but we think that’s good enough for us. We’re sorry the coastal elitists would rather not taint their sophisticated palates with so simple a food. They’re certainly welcome to relocate to Paris. I’m not sure we need their delicate sensibilities here in America the next time we’re called upon to save the world with our grit and resoluteness.”

Catherine Bennet, chair of the American Nutrition Council, says the attacks on her organization’s dietary guidelines are mystifying. “I think we all certainly intend to keep eating apple pie,” she says. “I hope no one is less American for wanting to limit how much corn syrup they eat. But I guess in these polarizing times, everything is fair game.”

Bennet said it’s already preparing for the next update to its guidelines, which will recommend limits on glucose from wheat. “Are we on the Council a little bit nervous?” she says. “We on the Council are a little bit nervous.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: tp and dh (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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