James Bond Retires Suit For Business Casual

bondA new type of trouble for James Bond

Elegant British super spy and womanizer James Bond is ditching his iconic Saville Row suits and other formal wear to sport a more casual look, an MI6 spokesperson says.

“Agent 007 isn’t immune to the times,” the spokesperson says. “He understands business is conducted in an increasingly casual atmosphere and that spy craft is similarly changing. I’m not saying Bond will be stepping out of his Aston Martin in anything less than a nice shirt and maybe some khakis, but when he’s just puttering around London, Paris, or New York, you might just see him in a T-shirt and jeans. I’m not saying it will happen, but you might see that. He’s a secret agent, after all.”

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New classic?

Known for his chiseled but slightly feminine good looks, impeccable manners, and taste for danger, Bond has made love to dozens of the world’s most beautiful women, but that winning streak might be put to the test if he returns from a mission wearing Toms, says loyal and competent MI6 secretary Miss Moneypenny. “And tie-dyed T-shirts are quite the fashion rage right now, but that’s a trend he should definitely stay away from. There are some rules that handsome, successful men should not break if they want to remain handsome, successful men.”

“And he should stay away from the baggy-jeans look,” says one of Bond’s most notorious enemies, Dr. No, speaking from his secret underground lair, now known to be in Jamaica thanks to the inspired undercover work of Bond despite the personal dangers set in his way. “Whatever you think about that look–what do they call it, Hip-Hop?–it would be hard to fight super-strong bodyguards in them or even run short distances. They would be prone to slipping down and gathering around one’s ankles. I can’t imagine him saving the world, or even stopping a nefarious plot to doom an American spacecraft, when he can’t even run 15 feet without his pants falling down.”

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Casual Friday in the spy trade

According to a report, Bond was believed to be seen several weeks ago in Orlando, Fla., checking out baseball caps to go with what might be a new look that includes a ‘Gators T-shirt, knee-length basketball shorts, and Nike sneakers left untied. The report says he tripped on the dangling shoe laces once on his way out of the store and that he couldn’t decide whether to wear the cap the proper way, with the bill in front, or the more rebellious way, with the bill in back. He was even reportedly teasing with the idea of wearing the cap with the bill to the side in the manner of Chris Brown.

Auric Goldfinger, another notorious Bond nemesis, says his effort to slice the dashing spy in half using a sinister red laser beam never would have worked in cinematic terms if Bond had been wearing anything less than that smart turtleneck with well-cut slacks.

“That was about as casual as he got back in the 1960s,” says Goldfinger, whose goal to contaminate the gold in Fort Knox with radiation was thwarted by the well-dressed agent. “I myself prefer to err on the side of over-dressing. I make sure I’m mostly seen in a coat and tie and I demand the same of my men, even when they are killing people. The idea of global crime going downscale bothers me quite a bit, because it’s important that those of us who operate on the international stage stay a cut above local criminals in terms of attire. If we’re all dressing in something of a gangsta fashion mode, it will be impossible to tell global players from common thugs.”

In the information pack it released yesterday, MI6 said Bond has been frequenting American retailers like The Gap and Banana Republic to stock up on chinos and khakis, and dropped a few hundred dollars at a Walmart in Omaha to get some Italian knock-off loafers that were made in China and were selling for something like $16. He also bought a few belts, a couple of golf shirts, and some underwear. It’s believed he bought a box of chocolates, also made in China, for something ridiculously low, like $2.95, to send to Miss Moneypenny.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: sh and jl (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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