Canada Officially Changes Name to Not USA

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Stephen Harper of Not USA

OTTOWA—Tired of living in the shadow of its much larger southern neighbor, Canada yesterday officially changed its name to Not USA and unveiled a new flag that government officials say is designed to tell the world that Canada is its own country and not simply a northern outpost of the United States.

“Not USA has a long and proud history,” says Stephen Harper, prime minister of Not USA, formerly known as Canada. “With our new name and flag, we’re celebrating our unique place in the community of nations. People forget that Not USA defeated the United States in several key battles in the War of 1812 and beat the U.S. in the 2010 winter olympics hockey championship. What’s more, Not USA is the largest country on earth by land mass, has more ice than any other country, and is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup and moose souvenirs.”

not-usa-2The United Nations lists Not USA as having the eleventh largest economy in the world, just below India (which has 30 times more people) and just above Australia. It is also noted as the birthplace of many prominent persons and entities, including Rush, which Rolling Stone magazine has called the worst rock and roll band in the history of music for all eternity and with no possibility of that ever changing, Nathaniel Branden, the acolyte of Ayn Rand and a man who actually had sex with her, and http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XLTB2EA/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00XLTB2EA&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=YPLXEP4ZX3DLP62ATed Cruz (R-Texas), who Canada was happy to export to the United States many years ago.

“This is just a first step in the rebranding of our great commonwealth,” says Harper. “From the halls of Montezuma to the shores of Tripoli, we are the country that produces more college graduates for top jobs in the United States than any other country, and our goal is to show just how proud we are of that and other accomplishments.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pmg (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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